These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
