Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
