Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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