Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
