just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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