So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sorry about my life...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
