I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
