You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
