A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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