I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
did i just pee glitter
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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