You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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