i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize