Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
