she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
