I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
