I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
