Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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