The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
