Your face is a jimmy john
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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