my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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