So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
