When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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