This dress was meant to end up on your floor
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
