Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
In America we eat man semen.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
NoShamevember. You game?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
