not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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