There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
