Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
