i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
