dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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