I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Randomize
