I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
