Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
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I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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