you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
