I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
