Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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