you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
