remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
