I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
