if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Someone signed my nipple.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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