Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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