I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
