Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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