Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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