I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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