i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
