Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
