Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
