We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
