i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
