ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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