It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
