Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
