she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
