I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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