from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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