just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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