But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
