Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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