I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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