I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
