After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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